Why??

We, the British Pakistani’s are a confused bunch, which way should we go??? Pulled and stretched from all angles, left, right and centre.

At the time that our elders came to this country, so did the Sikhs, Hindu’s and many others from different races, all for the same reason: to give their family’s a better life, more opportunities for their children and overall prosperity.  Then why is it that we as Pakistani’s are failing to achieve these objectives? Being a Pakistani child born in this country I would love to blame all my shortcomings on one thing “Culture Clash”, but is that really so?, or is it just an excuse to cover our own misconduct.

We as Pakistani’s are stuck in a “culture clash”, but this is such a topic that we turn on our parents and point the finger, but in actual fact we are just as much to blame. Why is it that our neighbouring counterparts are not stuck in this rut?? Why is it that my mother’s Indian friends have children who are obedient and have relatively clear objectives? Why are we as a nation, so muddled up? Why do the British Pakistani children not feel comfortable or happiness to go back to their roots and see their culture? Do we not share a similar culture to our neighbours? Why does our country not seem attractive to us? Why is it that we feel nothing for our families back home? Why is it that we are so engrossed in becoming more westernized and would prefer to be seen in jeans rather than a shalwar suit?

I, now at 28 years of age can see some things that at the age of 19 I could not, but even so, there are still some questions in my mind that no one has the answer to. Having younger brothers and sisters going through the same phase I went through 10 years back, of constant arguing, sneaking out, hiding things from my parents, I now try to act as a bridge between them and my parents. On the flip side, I am now a mother of two, and can see some points which my mother puts across as fair too. But what went wrong?

Personally I feel that the bond of friendship was never built between us and our parents. Our fathers were working most of the time to support us, our mothers were more worried about what was happening back home with her brothers and sisters to actually sit down and share any of our problems. I don’t entirely blame my mother either as I can understand that she has left her whole family behind and been uprooted to this strange place where the whole lifestyle was different, therefore they spent more times in their homes, on the phone or in deep discussions with the Aunty ji next door about what is happening back home.

When I was 19, I had the same arguments with my mother, which my sister 10 years later is still having. Why? Why have our parents not learnt from the last time, why can they not try a different approach. Why do they want everything their way is what my siblings ask me? Why can’t I do this? Why is it that once our children reach the age of 16+ their track suddenly changes, our parents blame the social system of this culture and say that children are given freedom to more or less whatever they want at 16. But is that what it’s really all about?

Our parents have always tried to instill our “culture” inside us, always tried to “make us love” our families living back home. The first thing is that when children are young our parents want us to live and behave like our Pakistani cousins living there. “Do this like her, look at the way she behaves/dresses/cooks, you try to be like that too beta,” Yes, even I believe that we should be in touch with our roots and culture, but can you really mould us and make us be more like them? We may have been given this culture inside of the home, but our parents fail to understand that the education which they so badly wanted us to have was telling us something different. The problem was to balance the both.  At 16 children are given the key of freedom and speaking on behalf of the majority,  we Pakistani Brits avail that as much as we can. All the years of constant comparisons and don’t do this, do this and what your teacher has told you is wrong and what I’m saying is right, go do your homework(which meant sit in your room and don’t come down for an hour) shoots straight out of the window. The children see this as a point in their life to do things “my” way. But is doing things “my” way necessarily wrong? Do we have to relive our culture that our parents left behind 30 odd years ago (which even Pakistani’s living out there do not follow).

I feel that if when we were children our parents warmed up to the social system slightly, and took us to the cinema once in a while, or even sat with us whilst doing our homework, and even something like watching TV, instead of having GEO TV on all day, let the kids watch something of their choice, and sat and watched it with us, or even allowing our friends to come round. Our parents even today do not have any interest in what is happening in the rest of the world apart from Pakistan. They would feel that if we had Pakistani friends it would be a positive thing, but having a friend from another race would be frowned upon and discouraged. Is that not wrong? We, as children begin forming this slow, but dangerous resentment towards Pakistan and the people from there, we start to look for ways to rid ourselves of this thing. As much as we feel that we are proud to be “Pakistani” and don’t get me wrong I think we have beautiful culture and values, but the way they are put across to us and also fitting all aspects of that culture into the society of this country can be tricky or even nearly impossible.

We as British must take into account our responsibility as a British Citizen and to work in harmony with the laws and social systems of this country as well as represent our parents in our family system.

The key of friendship is so imperatively vital for parents and children to hold for us to get back on track and balance ourselves. If there is friendship between a mother and her children, they can discuss all comforts and discomforts, ups and downs, marriage plans etc, this way the parents are clued up about what is happening in their children’s heads and vive versa. Give and take must happen from both sides to get the balance right.

Parents however, cannot be blamed for all our misbehaviour,  there are some things that at 16 should be clear in your mind which are right and which is wrong, I agree that the teenage years are a tricky age, where you want to take everything the world throws towards you. You think for today and not for tomorrow or further. But one thing should always be clear that whatever culture you come from, the basic generics are the same, whether your mother tells you in Urdu/Punjabi or your teacher tells you in English. The principles are more or less the same. Smoking is bad for you, drinking is even worse, drugs is even worse, and going out until late is not good, fighting with your parents should be avoided, boyfriends/girlfriends /sex should also be avoided etc etc. If these basics are in your mind then you cannot go wrong. Everyone wants to have fun, but within reason.

Having a laugh and a good time doesn’t always mean  you have to go out with your mates to do so, you can have a  laugh and a joke with your siblings, go out with them, make sure you can strike the balance between satisfied parents (happy….I don’t that is so easily done), a good relationship with your brothers and sisters,( where they don’t feel comfortable talking to their parents about some matters, they are able to turn to you) and respect for the society and environment you live in. Love your culture, like it or not you are part of it so embrace it (well, the parts which you like).

Think of yourself as an ambassador between both the countries. Whilst in Pakistan you must hold your head up high and represent Britain, and vice versa here. No matter what you will always be known as a British Pakistani, so work and live in harmony with all.

To be continued…….

Henna Janjua